Love has given me plenty of lessons from the very beginning.Yet, those things remain unlearned. I've not changed. I've not learned from my past. I've always believed that love conquers the impossible. In the end, I got nothing but impossibility.
I've been through a lot with love. I was then very strong to fight back when I feel like falling into love's dangerous pit. I may be poisoned from time to time, yet, I still have the courage to survive from its allure and throw ino trash the feeling that shouldn't be felt at all!
I am numb but somehow I am conscious when it comes to loving. I'm used to being alone but still there's emptiness inside that must be filled with security and acceptance. This is what i get out of being human: strong physically but emotionally weak.
I'm so sick of love but there are alternatives to cure the ailment. Most of the time I choose not to love because all I get are bruisses and wounds, confusion, goodbyes, and memories that just can't be forgotten. those that keep me awake in the middle of the night and make me unable to sleep. Some circumstances that are just to heavy for me too carry.
I feared of loving because it appears to me that it is always I who love. Love for me is one-sided; ofentimes, love for me is a dream that takes me into something unnatural and with just a snap would turn me back into a hurtful reality.
There came a time when I thought mutual love was with meThe one that I've been searching for! I was made to believe it's real! I fought back. I denied it but I fell. I was inspired, joyful, feeling lucky and excited for the indescribable feeling. Suddenly, I was saddened with pain when I found out that time is running out for that love to be fulfilled. Love has tricked me once again. I lose and I was lost. I never want to cry though my heart was crumpled to pieces everytime my brain tells me it is goodbye.
At first, I thought of not letting go. Life on earth is a come and go process. You get to meet and love someone who will leave you in the end. this is a very painful process one must accept.
What I felt was indeed wonderful, yet painful and forbidden. Slowly I'm trying to realize that we should forget what is wrong and live for what is right. this is a new leson I've learned as I let love control me. I loved alone and I bore the burden alone.
There are still a lot to come for me. I wonder if I will respond or act similarly or differently. I'm tired of dreaming and loving and hurting and leaving. I guess I would never have enough of it as long as I'm living. I should learn not to commit the same mistake again. I should find a way to free my chains from love's slavery. I deserve more than this forbidden love...there's got to be more than this.
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