There's really no reason for me to write this because this has always been part of my life's cycle. I'm going to rant again about being alone during Christmas and if you're one of those followers who often check my blog, (Well, I hope that I have even just one follower!) I would suggest that you stop reading this now! You can still proceed though because I'm not insisting that you don't.
I'm excited for this holiday just like you but I'm not into giving gifts. I still believe that intangible stuff make up the biggest gift we could give. (But that's not the case during Christmas!) Other reasons would be because I don't know how to select gifts and I don't want to be a frustration to the receiver. Let's accept the fact that not all receivers willingly receive gifts. They might have given you a smile on their faces but for sure they're thinking of something else-something they want for themselves and not that thing that you want for them. I hope I'm not making this up. I guess this is my bad trait-not giving gifts. You can curse me if you want to.
As I was walking home after work, I played Christmas songs. I suddenly felt the need to cry. I want to cry because this is another Christmas without my family. Another Christmas that will just pass by without seeing my parents and my sister. I saw friends and families walking on the streets and then I saw myself walking alone. I fought back the tears because I don't want to embarrass myself!
I realized I'm not alone after all. I have my friends too but I'm still jealous of those who will be spending this holiday with their families. I wish I could go home.
Today's the day before Christmas and I have not given enough gifts but I believe I've given enough love. I've cared and at least put a smile or laugh to every sad soul I came across with. I've not given material things but I've given myself. That's more than enough I hope.
At Christmas Eve I would still be working. There might be reasons to be sad but there are plenty of reasons to celebrate. I'm waiting for a grandest gift from God. I have a feeling that I'll get one.
I can always decide whether I'll make Christmas another lonely holiday or the most enjoyable one. I want it different this time. If I can't be the happiest then I'll be happy person who's sad last year.
This is in response to this: TO PIPOU WHEREVER YOUR SOUL IS.
Thanks for letting me know. While almost everything you mentioned are correct, it doesn't mean that I've flown away from myself. I don't think explaining is necessary but I thought you should know.
I'm introvert because I am ever since we're kids. I never had any other friends beside you or outside the campus or even outside our clique. I don't go out of the house unless somebody would ask me out. I hate to be around with people i don't know. When I'm with them I shut my ass off (hope you noticed that. Except when I'm with friends). I don't like awkward conversations and silent moments.
You know how I grew up. I never got the chance to get or to have whatever it is that I want to have in my life that even crying millions of worthless tears, I'll still won't get them. It was difficult and frustrating. But that motivated me to where I am right now. I might've have been wishing for a lot of stuff but that was before. Whatever I have at the moment is enough. I couldn't wish for more.
A simple life is like bread without butter. Plain. Tastesless. While life is here, it's not bad to try different things. I don't know if you're referring to being "sosyal" when you compared my "simple" ways of living before but that's not it. I eat at fancy restos ( I don't know if you'll count McDo as fancy), visit malls with big names or wear this and that but hey, life's a celebration. I am here to live and it's not that I do them everyday. You've been like that once upon a time and now is my time.
I struggle a lot when it comes to having courage and showing what I have. Thank you for believing that I am good. I appreciate that you care about my talents. I am aware that I have them but I am not that sure if they're enough for me to be proud of. It's long been my problem and it's not only you who noticed that. Although I am working on being proud of them, I can't promise to do it as early as now. There are a lot of more talented people out there and that makes me a dot in the whole population.
Fancy things do glitter but not permanently. I do realize that. And I don't blind myself with fancy stuff that are useless.
I wasn't the only one who changed. You've grown into such a very strong willed woman. You take my changes negatively when I like them very much. There were traits I didn't like about you but I've have embraced all those foreign sides. I've fully accepted all unknown and new personalities you've displayed without you noticing it. I don't have to tell you every single thing or write them down to prove the changes you've undergone because that's how life goes. You should know that.
We've changed and I wasn't the only one. You just have to accept the facts of life. I might have new priorities or not-so-big dreams compared to our childhood dreams but they can never change the way I value our friendship and even the way I treat you. I've grown up. I can't have the same views or dreams that I have before but you still have me-your BESTFRIEND.
I can no longer go back. The NOW is where I live. Yesterday's meant to be just a memory. Whatever, whoever and wherever I am right now is here to stay. It's up to you if you'll still take me or not.
I died a very sweet death.
